Sunday,
April 16, 2006
Episode 19: "Don't Look at Me"
This entire episode has as its theme of shame. I believe it was
the first DH that I had ever seen. There is a comenent that may or may not still
be available, as these things go on the Web @
that is a counter point to much of what I am going to say about
shame but at the same time the author is the one that made me aware of all the
various episodes of shame in the piece. I had only noticed the most blatant one.
I forgive myself as it was the first time I had seen the show and did not expect
such an handling of the subject, or
one at all. It seemed to me that someone had really done his or her homework. I
have edited the section out that I am talking about and have used it to much
effect in therapy. It has to with a young mans early curiosity about female
genitalia and a baby sitters admonishment to the mother that she should shame
him out of his curiosity and her sensible resistance and creative solution to
the dilemma. I have never seen such a straightforward treatment of the subject.
The author of the piece on the DH blog however points out that
all the subplots of that week have to do with shame. The wife that realizes that
she has accidentally left her newborn at home alone. The mother that manipulates
the grandparents out of not taking their her son away from her by planting gay
porn in his packed things thus shaming everyone. The grandparents leave without
saying goodbye, and several other instances.
Our commentator however says:
”Shame can be good if it brings about
change. However, most people don't realize that it only works if it comes from
within. When one person uses it on another, it becomes a useless manipulation.
Lies, trickery, and broken relationships are just a few of the devastating
effects of misplaced shame.”
So true, all in all. To
shame and humiliate does not work. I am preaching mostly to the choir here.
Except there is a caveat as your will see. There is a wringer. One thing about
humans is that we are a contrary
lot. If shaming and humiliating people never worked we would not do it.
Sometimes it even works well. As she says later it is the internal business that
is important. NB I am not, not, proposing it is ever the best thing to do, I am
just being factual.
She goes on to say:
”So what is the purpose of shame? Adam
and Eve experienced it firsts in the Garden of Eden. After they disobeyed God,
they received the knowledge of good and evil. Shame is inherently the knowledge
of evil, the understanding that one has made a mistake. This is the work of the
Holy Spirit. The Bible clearly states that the Holy Spirit will convict the
world of sin, bringing us all to an understanding of our wrongs. Each person has
an opportunity to respond to that conviction.”
So here in lies a big
clue as to where we begin to diverge. Shame for me has nothing at all in its
core to do with “evil”. This meaning has been attached to it as, let us say
it is a misnomer.
Shame for me is
“simply” a feeling of “not getting what I want”. This comes form the
psychologist Silvan Tomkins who says that shame = “impediment to ongoing
positive affect (feeling)”. Simply I want something and I am not getting it or
I am in a positive good state and I get interrupted. It is not at all that “we
have made a mistake” , especially in a moral sense. We only make mistakes, as
far as I am concerned, more and more, in retrospect. We don’t “miss the mark
on purpose”.
We where trying to get
somewhere and just did not know how to do it or the world got in our way, was
too big for us.
”In the final scenes, Mary Alice says,
"Yes, we've all made
mistakes. But there is redemption if we grow and try to learn from those
mistakes."
Gabrielle experiences the textbook version of what God intends for our lives. To
understand one's mistake and to turn away from it is what the Bible calls
repentance. Instead of going off to her Yoga class, she straps the baby to her
body and does her Yoga exercises at home. That is repentance brought about by
conviction. Throughout the Old and New Testaments, God made provisions for
people who were willing to turn from their sin. In the Garden of Eden, an animal
was killed to provide clothing for Adam and Eve. In the Old Testament,
sacrifices were made to remove the guilt of wrongdoing. In the New Testament,
Christ died to bring about the true and final redemption of all mankind.”
Why in the world is it
repentance? Gabrielle made a boo boo that is it period. She did not “sin”,
she is new at this baby stuff. She does not have to beat herself up or attack
herself up. All decent psychological studies will say that all that does is
reinforces a negative self-image. What do “bad” be people think. Well, bad
thoughts.
What do bad people do.
Well, they do “bad” things. If I think of myself as a “bad” person how
am I to have a “good” image and do “good” and productive things?
Mrs. Ledman finally says:
”Just growing and
learning from one's mistakes isn't enough. As in the case with Carl, a mere
change in behavior is fleeting and false. Gabrielle experienced the real change.
True redemption carries a hidden requirement: a change of heart that leads to
repentance.”
For me this comes full
circle and is self-contradictory and is simply a hidden form of “shaming”.
Nothing is ever good enough and you are “bad” because I say you are bad. Remember she said “”Shame
can be good if it brings about change. However, most people don't realize that
it only works if it comes from within. When one person uses it on another, it
becomes a useless manipulation. Lies, trickery, and broken relationships are
just a few of the devastating effects of misplaced shame.”
Again I want to
emphasize that it is our belief that shame should never be “bad” as it is at
rock bottom a biological inescapable phenomena that only and always will have to
do with having another biological phenomena interrupted and that phenomena is
“interest”. Our thinking and reason is always a derivative of our interest.
Shame as we see it is a “bump in the road” telling us something is wrong
that needs to be fixed. Therefore it is a good thing. It is telling Gabriella
that she needs to pay more attention.
As for the case of the
child Parker, the show so well shows that, of course, imposing shame form
outside is can be and usually is such a violent act that is most importantly not
anticipated and is so importantly painful it is likely not to be effective. We
are not dogs. The pain is often, for one, so rarely not associated with the
intended goal.
As
I said at the beginning it may will be. Violent force gets people moving and
gets things done, usually, in the short term. Even then sometimes not. And it
even sometimes causes a “light to go on” and is equivalent to learning that
refrain that “insanity is doing the same thing over and over and getting the
same results”. That said there is no necessary connect between the use
of the violence and the insight or change in behavior the person has and we are
statically proving that a positive attitude statically improves behavior by a
winning margin or negative feedback so that there is no reason, even for the
most limited minded enlightened self interested person not to use positive
reinforcement.
Brian Lynch 2007 brianlynchmd.com drbplynch[at]aol.com